For so long you’ve been wondering if you should take your previous blog post down. You were at such a low when you wrote it– nothing was clear, your hopes and expectations for almost everything you hoped to be pursuing were being severely disappointed. You were alone in a city having left college against your parent’s wishes, making less (ok, none of) the money than you needed to in order to work towards your goals: going back to school– and how about first finding the right school to go even? Face it, your mom was helping you to buy your groceries. This was not what you had wanted. The meager savings you had worked hard for the previous month as a farmer in New Mexico would soon be nothing– once again.
Your friends were scattered throughout the country. For the first time, you didn’t have a community at hand to lean on, to lean into, to feel immediate comfort from. Emails, Skype and Facebook only went so far. As soon as you would hang up the phone with a friend, there you were: alone in your damp basement studio in a room you were being given in exchange for being a nanny for two kids. You felt empty, afraid, and worst of all like a total failure. Your current situation must be your fault. How could you have been so stupid, ignorant, naive? What did you do to deserve this?
To put it lightly, you didn’t feel your best. Only later would you admit that that was the lowest you’d felt in years. You were mad at yourself, and wondering if there would be a way to gain a semblance of a new, stable life back. You really weren’t sure. You could only hang on and hope all the things you knew about God were true– that you weren’t helpless or beyond help.
Little did you know how rapidly your life would change when you began to stop cowing to fear and let your life be transformed.
First, you quit your job. Then, you moved out of the city. You moved home– something that had felt impossible only a few weeks before. Now it was a place of refuge instead of tension. You wondered what to do next. Work? But you kept getting that nudge that said, “Go back to college!” But the school you had been accepted to and that you had wanted to go to so badly was ridiculously expensive– you were terrified of the debt you would incur. But that intuition kept pushing: “Go back to college. And yes, go to that college.”
You had faith. You obeyed.
You were still doubting, still afraid. There wasn’t enough money. You were, again, going against your parents wishes. They told you to figure it out on your own and gave you the college savings you had to spend as you wanted. You were afraid to mess it all up. Again, you felt like the perpetual locus of discord– why couldn’t your life just be easy and bland?? But no, you always seemed to have to face the impossible. Yet, again you would learn that there is no such thing as impossible when the motive is right– and your motive was to do the right thing, to follow that spiritual intuition whispering relentlessly in your heart and head, showing you how to move forward.
As you drove to your college-to-be to register for the spring semester you felt like throwing up you were so nervous. Again, who the hell were you, doing this? Were you that stupid? What were you doing?? You prayed that if it were the right thing for you to turn the car around and return home, you absolutely would. But you never received any such impulse, message, directive, even the slightest flavor of returning home. Anxious, you drove on.
You arrived and felt empowered all of a sudden. Wow, this was what you were supposed to be doing. You could just feel it. You registered for classes, giddy. This felt really good. Ahh, you felt like you were getting back on track. You had already been awarded the largest transfer student scholarship, but even that generous sum didn’t begin to mitigate the incredible price tag on this college’s tuition. But you felt at peace; you would, no matter what, just keep trusting each step forward. Listening, following, listening, following. It was then that you were told that you had been awarded additional scholarship money– just enough to make attendance possible. What was going on? Was this possible? Too good to be true?
You had listened, and been obedient to that gentle intuition– and now you were being taken care of, college money and all. You couldn’t believe it. Your heart was filled with more gratitude than you’d felt in a months. Suddenly, everything was working out. But more than that, you trusted that you were being cared for, that you would not be allowed to fail– that life, Life, had never let go of you. Would never let go of you.
Now, you are coming to the close of that spring semester of college. You learned so much, and it wasn’t all easy– academically, socially, spiritually….basically in all ways. But it was all so right. Sure, you had challenges, moments of doubt, anger, frustration, self-condemnation, confusion, fear– but you would always remember how you’d gotten to where you were. It was through that practice of listening, trusting, and following that had delivered you from the depths of failure and an unproductive, barren-seeming life path.
You met incredible, creative, brilliant people at your new college and now you can count quite a few of them as new and inspiring friends. You’ve gone to school on a beautiful urban campus and have enjoyed the abundance of an amazing city. Your relationship with your family is better than you could have ever imagined and you’ve been able to spend a lot of time with your little brother– your best friend. And most of all, your trust in good, in pure goodness, has grown stronger the whole time. No matter the astonishing, ghastly, painful curveballs that sometimes seem to spin your way, you have a resounding and growing conviction that in fact you never will be and never have been left helpless and unaided. You will persist, win, and grow. And thus have more to give.
Little did you know that your life would do a literal 180. But it did. Right when all seemed wasted, dreadfully discouraged, and stagnant. But no. Life had other plans. You now trust that spiritual intuition inside of you, inside of us all, more than ever. Knowing everything will be ok is no longer just positive thinking. Go get ’em!